


Show me the light

by LENADRLIN



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Harry, Boyfriends, Depressed Harry, F/M, Gay, Harry Has Long Hair, Harry Styles - Freeform, Harry Styles Loves Louis Tomlinson, Hearing Voices, Heartbreak, Hiatus, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Post-Zayn One Direction, Sad Harry, Sad Harry Styles, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, curls, zarry - Freeform, zarry stylik
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 07:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30102204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LENADRLIN/pseuds/LENADRLIN
Summary: The feeling of losing control is definitely not a nice feeling. Being responsible and idolized doesn't help the situation either. Then there is the rethinking, the voices and the thoughts that harm you.So what do you do when everything becomes too much and you think "i can't anymore"? What do you do then? You should talk to someone, not eat everything up. You should be open, not listen to the voices and then do stupid things. One shouldn't be alone. These are a few things to do, but Harry's problem is that he doesn't do just that.“I mean, everyone has reached the point where you think it's enough, haven't they? Doesn't everyone have these voices telling you what to do?”
Relationships: Eleanor Calder/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Harry Styles
Kudos: 11





	Show me the light

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Homophobia, mention of self-harm and attempted suicide (drowning). 
> 
> COPYRIGHT: The characters in the fan fiction do not belong to me, nor do I want to say that the actions are true. I only own the plots and fictional characters in this fan fiction.
> 
> I got all of the information mentioned in the epilogue from the Internet. Also, I'm not english. So if there are mistakes, I'm sorreh.

Harry never noticed how many people pay attention to how you talk. He always thought that what you say is what you pay attention to. Especially at his job. He says something, others turn the words around in such a way that enough drama is planned for the day, the week. If he doesn't say anything, they will immediately think negatively. Or that he wasn't happy.

Don't get him wrong. He is happy! But everyone has their days when they are not in the best mood. With Harry it's just sometimes not days, sometimes a whole week. But nobody notices, so it doesn't have to be that bad, he thinks. Everyone has it, or not? Harry knows that he should worry sometimes, should he really listen to his thoughts and act on their suggestions. But everyone has it, don't they? Even Niall has a day when he gets annoyed and snippy. It's all quite normal. 

It's just Harry who doesn't get annoyed - not always at least - but rather - depressed, shall we say. It's not like he's depressed. Not that one. It's not like he hurts himself every time he feels down. No no. He's not planning that. That would be too noticeable. Anyone would see it. Then they would think, "Why should he feel this way? He's got it all! Money, women throwing themselves at his feet, popularity! What more do you need?! He just wants attention!" But that's exactly what makes him feel this way. Too much attention. No privacy. All the rumors, including Larry rumors. The image that he has had for 4, almost 5 years and has to keep.

Sometimes everything just becomes too much. He often sits alone in his hotel room in the middle of the bed, in the middle of the night, head in his hands or tucked between his knees. Both positions he has had to take up far too often lately to somehow calm himself down, to feel safe and better about himself. Thoughts then buzz around in his head. Thoughts on louis. Louis. Once a best, and boyfriend. Now a bandmate and just a normal friend.

The X-Factor Era was breathtaking. Everything was new to all of them. New friendships were formed, stronger, good friendships. They could do what they otherwise could only dream of. They were allowed to sing. Even though they could only take third place and then just thought they hadn't won, Harry did win something much more special. A contract with Sony music, friends and Louis, his boyfriend at this time, love. Harry was above the clouds. What more could you ask for? He does what he always wanted! The boys support them in their relationship. They were all so happy. 

Then came management in September 2011. 

He reflects the day so often. Again and again he saw the photos of the paparazzi. Photos where Louis was spotted with Eleanor. He introduced the two of them to each other! The bad thing was that it wasn't the pictures that hurt him. It was Louis who hurt him. How naive he was. Or he was just in love. He still doesn't know which one it was.

"Louis, where are you going? I thought we wanted to have a movie night tonight?" Harry asked, confused, tossing his hair up for a moment after seeing Louis put on his shoes and take the jacket off the hook. Louis winced when he heard Harry's voice. Wasn't Harry just in their bedroom? He answered, clearing his throat. "Uh, Zayn wanted to see me. Said it was urgent." A small smile played on his lips as he looked Harry in the eye. Harry just nodded in understanding. 

Zayn often asked for Louis. However, Harry never really knows what the two of them did when they meet. But he doesn't ask questions either, so he shouldn't be surprised either. "oh, okay .. then I'll see you later today? Should I wait?" His voice was filled with hope, eyes wide, dimples on his cheeks as he smiled affectionately at Louis. Louis cleared his throat again, then shook his head quickly. "No, you don't need to. Zayn was really upset, or sounded panicked, so it could take longer." Harry only nodded briefly and silently, the smile smaller. Disappointment easily crept into his body. "Sleep, I don't want you to be tired tomorrow. I need to see the dimples on your cheeks as often as I can." 

Now Louis slumped himself back on Harry. Harry's grin and red cheeks also proved that Louis had achieved his goal. "O-okay, see you tomorrow." Harry took small steps towards Louis. "I love you." Then he kissed Louis on the lips. Louis smiled very slightly, kissed him back tentatively. "See you." Then he turned and walked out the front door. Harry left behind, sighing in disappointment.

Actually, he should have noticed by then that something was wrong. Especially when Liam then sent him a photo of him, Niall and Zayn and asked if they would like to join them to play video games. At that moment he should have realised that Louis lied. In his face. Most likely, even with no regrets. But he was in love, naive, stubborn. Had he just taken it as the truth, it might not have gone away when he went on Twitter and saw photos of Louis and Eleanor.

Suspicious and restless, he then looked for more pictures on the Internet. In the middle of the day and Louis has the balls to meet a girl. In public, so that all can see. Anger rose in him, but sadness and disappointment a lot more. How can Louis just lie to his face like that? He sat sobbing in the middle of his bed. Head between his knees, arms around his legs. Tears didn't really come. Just dry crying. Fortunately for him, he fell asleep quickly, his heart heavy.

Harry had to laugh without humor, eyes tired, red. What times. He remembers Louis' expression when he saw Harry the next afternoon. Still in the clothes from the day before, he sat curled up on the bar stool at the kitchen counter.

Louis immediately ran to him, took him in his arms, hugged him tightly to his chest. Harry, however, was just trying to get Louis away from him. Louis was confused. "Hazza, what's going on? Something happened-" It was almost as if a switch in Harry had toggled itself. "What's going on?! Louis, are you serious?!" Harry rarely gets loud, at least out of anger or sadness. Otherwise he was loud in many situations. "H-Harry, I don't understand what's going on? You need to talk to me." Harry stuttered, "I'm peachy, don't worry about me." 

Sarcasm. 

Although Louis loved sarcasm, he hated it right now when it came out of Harry's mouth. "Harry! Stop lying-" Harry pulled himself free from Louis, giving him an angry and hurt look. "I should stop lying?! You, my dear, are the one who lied to my face!" The older one stared at Harry with wide eyes. "How was it to meet with Zayn, oh no! meet with Eleanor, huh!?" Harry approached his breakpoint very quickly. Tears flowed down his rosy cheeks, dimples absent, eyes full of sadness and betrayal. "Louis, we're together. A couple. You should have just told me you were going to meet Eleanor, that's not even the problem. Why did you lie?" Harry's voice bordered on whimpering, begging. Louis sighed. "I didn't want you to think I want to be with her. I love you, only you. Do you understand? You can trust me." He said seriously.

Lies, as Harry noticed over the next few weeks, months. Louis had to show up with her more and more often, less with Harry. Management wanted Harry and Louis to reduce their touches and looks a lot. They did just that, but it didn't help. But on the contrary. The two kept getting into each other's hair. Negative tension was felt far too often. Not just for Harry and Louis, but for the other boys too. Louis then broke up with Harry in early 2013 after he realized that there was no point in just arguing and not talking. He also noticed that he no longer loved Harry the way he did a year ago. 

Harry noticed how good it was in 2010 and mid-2011, then everything went downhill by early 2013. Three years in total. A year and a half returned love. A year and a half of unrequited love. Harry was devastated. He can't even blame Eleanor or hate her. She was pretty, long brown wavy hair, brown eyes, and not as tall as a clumsy giraffe.

So Harry decided not to be like her, but to be like himself. He wants to show what Louis will miss. He came to the decision that he is at his best when he is himself. He did that too. He then did what he liked, put on what he liked. The pants tightened. That was a start. You saw more. 

Men's skinny jeans weren't enough for him. So he asked the stylist if he could wear women's jeans. When she looked at him with a raised eyebrow, Harry began to doubt whether he should really do it. The stylist then grinned and nodded, assuring him that she could do it. So for the next show he wore women's jeans. Of course, fans immediately noticed that something was different. Black skinny jeans, white t-shirt and boots were his trademark. The white t-shirt became colourful shirts. His hair grew longer too, the curls not so wild anymore. His hairdresser said to cut it. Harry thought it was fine. He didn't even do it for Louis anymore to show him what he's missing, but only for himself. He also tried something that was ... risky in industry, media and society.

He put on lipstick. At first only at home alone. His mum caught him at some point, but gave him loving support. Then he wore lipstick many times when he was at home. When he was on tour and had a need for it, he only wore it when he was alone in a hotel room. Always took it off immediately when he is supposed to go somewhere or when someone comes. 

But one evening he screwed it up. He forgot to take it off, then went to rehearsals with it on. Since the color wasn't too noticeable, nobody really noticed it (except for the boys, however they noticed it). Until then Lou, whose a hairstylist noticed it. She immediately dragged him into a bathroom, jerking it off with hard paper so that his lips turned red and hurt. She locked him in the bathroom, called someone from management. Apparently they've noticed lately that Harry is experimenting with a lot. Management yelled at him, saying that they don't need another fagot in the band. Which didn't make sense. He always was, they knew that too.

"Do you have any idea what people would think if they found out a man wore lipstick ?! It was hard enough to quell rumors about you and Tomlinson. We don't need more gayness in this band. You don't need to spread your germs everywhere, understand!? We need men, not female queens! Wear lipstick again, and d-" The man, Harry doesn't know his name, he's never seen him, yelled at him all the time. Harry wonders why no one hears them. Or are they ignoring them? Liam and the other three said a few moments ago that it suits him. Did they lie? Why don't they defend him now? They lied. Do they find him as disgusting as everyone else? 

"Styles! Listen to me! You little arrogant son of a bitch. Do you know what kind of problems you cause when you always do your disabled experiments with clothes and accessories!? It doesn't even look good. You know how annoying it is that you always have to do everything differently?! You're so damn annoying- you don't even look g- "Harry isn't listening anymore, just staring into his reflection. His eyes disappointed from his own stupidity. Why did he even do that? It doesn't look good anyway. Tears gathered in them, but stayed where they were, they did not dare to escape the wall from the soul to the outside world.

Harry didn't say much for the rest of the day, staring at the sky, or at the ceiling of the studio, then at the ceiling of his hotel room. He only sang his parts, didn't join in with the others' jokes. The boys often looked at him with concern after he came out of the bathroom and sat silently on the couch. But they didn't say anything or did something for him. They complimented him. Heard the yelling. Then didn't even try to defend him. Apparently they lied too and were fed up with him.

At the end of 2013 and 2014 he got closer to Zayn. He never really noticed that the two had a lot in common. They were both very private, had their own sense of style and their thoughts on certain things also often coincided. On Harry's side, there was interest. Since Zayn was single again, he actually had no problem. rumors said that Zayn slept around a lot after canceling his engagement to Perrie. 

Harry spent that time with him. They got closer, told each other a lot that they didn't tell the other boys. Although he had lost Louis as a best friend, he now had Zayn. Not to forget Niall. You can only get along well with the Irish guy. One evening after the boys were all partying in some club and coming back to the hotel late and stumbling into their rooms, Harry got this need. Desire for body contact, skin, warmth. Now only in a purple bathrobe, he knocked on the thick wooden door of Zayn, which opened moments later.

"What? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Harry just whimpered, however, and went into the room and wrapped his arms around Zayn's neck, clung tight. "Harry? Are you okay? Why are you only in your bathrobe? What is-" Zayn interrupted himself as he felt Harry bump his hip against his, his lips resting on his neck and still heard Harry whimpering. Harry pressed himself closer to Zayn, holding him tighter. Wanting more physical contact. Zayn understood, grabbed Harry's hip tightly, led him towards the bed. With Zayn, the rest of the night was spent with hot breath, with sounds that Harry never thought would get out of himself, thrusts and hot lust.

They never did it again after that. Harry still thinks that Zayn didn't like him that much, wasn't as attracted to him as Harry was to him. Most likely, he even regretted it. Harry's ego and confidence diminished a bit after that. Then rebuilt after just going on. Continuing to experiment with clothes, Shirts became blouses too. Pure, sheer, skin-thin blouses. The fans love it. He also.

So Harry also knows why he feels so crappy right now, sitting here in the middle of bed and remembering all the time what was once. He should live in the here and now. Why does he keep thinking about the guys making fun of him and simply not listening.

Why should you be listened to? You have nothing to say.

You can only be made fun of.

The day was stressful. Not just for Harry. The band was blown away. Zayn left the band eight months ago. Everyone was hurt. Though Harry just thinks he could have handled the situation better. Just leave the band in the middle of the tour? There would certainly be other ways to find a solution by speaking to them. But Zayn doesn't really did that. He called Harry the night before and Harry tried to convince Zayn into the morning. 

Vain.

All of them are stressed out. In August they announced that they would be taking a break for about a year. Fans went crazy. A few days ago they bought the studio version of made in the A.M. released. Fans went crazy. Hours ago they were in the o2 arena, singing. Louis has problems in his relationship with Eleanor (Harry can only smile). Niall tries to keep the mood relaxed, Liam was tempted to choke each other's throats. Harry was pretty quiet, calm, closed in on himself. That was also evident in interviews. Either he doesn't talk much then. Or he talks quickly - tries it - and stumbles over his own words. Continuously. When Louis commented on it, he was probably just kidding. He wasn't serious, he was just stressed. Harry talked himself into it. They had an interview about the album.

"Hello One Direction! First of all, the o2 show was awesome!" Thank you all. "You are about to finish the UK tour. How do you feel about it?" The interviewer was nice and asked the questions in a friendly voice. Liam decided to answer first.  
"I thought about it ... and-" Harry didn't really listen after that. He heard what Liam says, what the interviewer says, or the other two guys, but he doesn't really listen. That sound totally confusing, but it what it is. Everything was slightly blurred in the background.

"And after you almost finished the tour, you released made in the A.M. asap, yeah? Are you proud of that?" Harry decided to add one too. "Yeah, we uh .. of course we're proud, obviously. We're proud and uh really excited, uh, so that people get to hear it. I think - we're so proud of that, and uh we had it, around uh finished .. we had already finished it for a couple of months .. uuhmm and we love it. We listened to it and and uh obviously noticed m-" "Harry, mate. Can you speak any slower?" A mocking laugh followed Louis' words. Harry winced slightly at the volume of his laugh. Liam and Niall followed Louis' laugh. Harry bit his lower lip, just nodded absurdly. "uhm" Harry swallowed. "We love it, yeah." For the rest of the interview he was quiet, only responding when spoken to, and then only in short sentences.

Situations like this came up quite often. Even in the past. However, he didn't take them seriously. They just meant it as fun, didn't they? So why is he taking it so seriously now? He never did it? Why does he take the boys words seriously but not the paparazzis, media people? 

Maybe it's because he knows those people, is close to them. Often telling him the truth while the media lives on rumors. Is that why it hurts so much when people who are close to him say that and he believes it? It has to be. The people who are close to him know him. Need to know the truth about him. So if they say that he is annoying when he speaks slowly, it has to be true. They are just telling the truth.

Harry whimpered, tears stinging his lids but not rolling down his cheeks. Sobs could be heard loudly in the silence of the room. The rain falling on the windows. The weather describes his mood perfectly. Letting down. Harry doesn't like to say it at all, but also depressed. He's not depressed, is he? Certainly not. Right? He is not about to harm himself. He just gets sick of it sometimes. No more desire. It's not like he always thinks about what it would be like if he weren't there. He thinks - doesn't want to think like that. But everyone has this little voice in their head that says do this, do that. Everyone has that, doesn't they? Even if he sometimes just wants to stop in the middle of the street to wait for a car to come and knock him over. He did it once. 

Unconsciously, of course. 

Stop whispered a voice in his ear, so much like his own. Liam then quickly pulled him off the road before the truck could even recognize him as a target. Although he felt slightly disappointed that nothing happened, it awakened something in him. The whole time he wondered what it was when Liam yelled at him and yelled at him. Moments later, Niall saw them both standing. How Liam yells at Harry and how Harry just stood there, hair and eyes wild, lips apart, blouse covered with folds, where Liam grabbed him. Confused, he asked what was going on.

"Liam? Chill, what's wrong with you?" Liam turned the Irish guy, looking very angry and worried, as he turned back to Harry, who was still staring at the sky with his eyes wide open. "There's nothing wrong with me. Harry here has some problem!" Niall was still confused. He looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Liam continued. "He just stopped in the middle of the street! The traffic light was green. The cars could have run over him! Are you crazy!?" The last question was for Harry. However, he did not answer, was not even where he was a few seconds ago.

When Liam and Niall later found him on the tour bus and spoke to him about it, Harry couldn't really remember stopping on the street. All he could remember was Liam's roar. Confusion was written all over their faces.

A thunder tore him from his thoughts and memories. Eyes wide open.

Why was he thinking about all the past? What- what was that? How so? Did he think of all of this just because the guys were making fun of the way he spoke? Maybe he should ask Niall if they mean it serious. Do they really think he's annoying and don't like him?

They never said they found me annoying.

Indirectly, yes.

That's not true.

You are annoying.

Harry was so confused. The silence was too loud. His breath too uneven. Eyes burned with tears. His back hurt because he sat hunched over the whole time. Breathing heavily, he straightened up and decided to calm down. To try again. Following unsteady steps and with a dark shadow, he went into the bathroom. Made himself a bath. Perhaps the warmth will calm him down. It was cold in the bedroom. Maybe that was what made it hard for him. The water filled rapidly. Harry decided to light a few more candles. The red candles that remind him of home. Now he stood there naked. In front of the steamed-up mirror. He didn't see himself. The hot water burned slightly when he sat in it. He forgot to put some cold water in. No matter. The fresh smell of his shampoo was comforting. Not as stuffy as it has been lately. Harry was completely in the water, only his head above the it. He put his hair full of shampoo in the water. Head out of sight as the shampoo peeled off his hair and spread into the water. He quickly sat down again to catch his breath. But then immediately dived back under water. Now longer. This time he can see through the water.

When the air ran out, he tried to sit up again. However, something kept him under water. The water felt hotter for a moment, it felt like he was being boiled alive. A scream tried to come out of his lips, silently. You couldn't hear anything except the bubbling of the water and how he tried to push himself out of the water with his arms and legs. Harry opened his eyes wide. The air will soon be completely used up. He just stared into his own face. Pale skin and eyes that had lost their color stared at him. His curls hung dead on his head, they have lost their shine too. Another scream came out of him. Green, wide, frightened eyes stared into gray, dead ones. His other self grinned darkly, then vanished in thin air.

He was jerked out of the water abruptly. Harry heard his heart pound in his ears. His loud coughing and sniffing for air was deafening. He perceived dull voices. Eyes wide now, he saw that he was in Liam's arms, Niall and Louis worried for him. He was on the cold bathroom tiles, a soft towel wrapped around him.

"Harry. Harry, hey. Do you hear me?" That was Niall, he was rubbing his back, trying to calm him down. Harry nodded hesitantly, tears starting to gather in his eyes. Then they ran. His painful sobbing for air and the crying of him were the only things other than the soothing words of his friends that could be heard. It felt like hours when it was only minutes when he was calm and able to breathe deeply calmly. Niall was still rubbing his back while Louis said soothing words and Liam held him.

"Everything will be fine Harry. You are fine. You are here. You are not-" Louis couldn't finish the sentence. His voice broke off painfully. The idea of losing Harry again, only this time forever was too painful for him. A few minutes passed, then Liam tried to put Harry down to help him get dressed. Later they were all in bed, the thunderstorm outside as loud as the thoughts of the three boys. What would have happened if they hadn't wanted Harry to watch the movie. Would he have drowned? Why did he even do it? Question after question accumulated.

"I saw myself." Harry muttered. Almost overheard as he hid his face in Niall's neck. His arms and legs drawn to him to warm himself. The boys looked confused. As if Harry sensed the confusion, he continued. "I saw myself. Dead. I tried to kill myself." When Harry said so himself, he realized that he should have been more careful. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten this far if he'd talked to someone instead of eating it all up like that. Tears ran down Louis' cheeks when he heard this. Liam screwed up his eyes tightly so as not to let them out. Niall looked up at the ceiling, the same goal as Liam.

Niall's voice broke the deep silence. "Promise me to never try this again. Please." Exciting for an answer, they looked down at Harry, who looked so small at the moment. However, he said nothing. Silence. 

"Say it." Niall's voice broke. "Say it." Once again. Tears ran down Harry's cheeks as he looked up. His lip red from biting on this one. With a nod he brought deep relief to the hearts of the elders. "Promise me - us." Liam's voice was strong, contrary to his gaze. His expression looked broken. "Say it." Louis added gently but in a strong voice. "I promise you, I'll never try this again. Never again." Said Harry's scratchy voice. His eyes red. Exhausted. Not just from lack of sleep, from everything else too.

The hiatus is really necessary.   
Doesn't mean it hurts less.

Harry slowly got to his feet with tired movements. With his eyes almost completely closed, he looked at the boys. A whimper escaped his lips, tears gathered again on his eyelids and stung. How much can you cry in a day? Is there a limit? His wobbly long legs didn't help him much as he walked to the dresser in the room. Liam helped him, wrapping his arm around Harry's middle so that Harry wouldn't fall over should he lose his balance. Louis was no longer in the room, as Harry noticed when he turned around after pulling a hoodie over his head. 

Then Louis came back with tea and the uncomfortable silence in the room was strong as they all sat in bed, Harry leaning against Niall while he sipped the tea Louis gave him. It calmed him down.

The question of why he almost did it was in the air. All three boys wondered why Harry would do this. Why did he do it. Harry's sigh at least brought a sound to the silence. "I d- know- why did I do this? I d-don't know." His voice finally cracked as he answered the unasked question. "I mean - everyone has reached the point where you think it's enough, haven't you? Doesn't everyone have these voices that tell you what to do?" Harry's eyes were big, hoping he was right. He looked so much like a child. 

Big eyes, shimmering with tears, a pout on his pink lips. Louis tears ran down his cheeks as he shook his head. A 'no' to Harry's question. Harry looked broken as his shoulders sagged, his head hung, and the cup of tea lowered onto his lap. His eyes were on his hands. Louis immediately took him in his arms, Harry didn't refuse a bit. His arms tightly around Louis neck, for fear of being left alone with his thoughts and voices again. The closeness to Louis brought back memories. Memories of how they loved each other, in a non-amicable way. Harry still loves him. He always will, but he has accepted that Louis will never return his love. Not only did the hug bring back memories, but tears as well. Again. Most likely, it's the only thing Harry can do right. Howling. That's really the only thing he's been doing best lately. Pathetic, he thinks.

You are. 

Liam sighed, then cleared his throat right afterwards. With a concerned look he looked at Harry, the youngest of them all. How could he never have noticed? Was he that ignorant? He sighed again, then opened his mouth to speak. "What are the reasons-" Harry cut him off when he called out in a desperate and loud voice, "I don't know!" Liam winced. Tears ran from his eyes when he realized that he doesn't know what to do. "How did you feel?" Niall asked quietly. Harry looked over at Niall briefly, so his face out of Louis' neck. He looked at him slightly confused. Niall continued his question when he realized that Harry had no idea what exactly he was talking about. "When you did it. Wanted to do it. What did you feel?" Concentrated, his lips pressed together, Harry looked out of the room. Inhaled, trembling. "Uh .. I didn't - I didn't even realize I did it. I was just bathing, uh, washing my hair underwater. Then- I couldn't get up!" His voice became more panicked. Louis hugged him tighter, trying to calm him down. "I- I saw myself! I, uh, he stood there! And and pushed myself under the water so that I couldn't get up! I don't know what would have happened if you-" Niall shook his head quickly, his voice came strictly out. "Don't you dare to finish that sentence." Harry nodded, eyes full of fear. Louis shoulders shrugged, slightly from above to below. He cried. 

Liam just had his head hidden in his hands. You could hear his deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. "Harry .." All attention was on Liam. His voice was broken, tired, defeated. "Harry, there wasn't a second you. You were alone in the bathroom." Harry looked at him in shock. "W-what! That- that can't- that doesn't work. I saw him! He was there! I-" Harry tore himself away from Louis, grabbed Liam's shoulders tightly, shook him a bit as he spoke loudly. "Haz, please calm down." "How should I calm down!? I saw him! Am I crazy!? No!" "No, Hazza, you're not crazy. Just .. confused, depressed." Louis looked at him begging. Wrinkles made themselves felt as his eyebrows moved toward one another. They all looked so tired. Exhausted. 

"W-what? No? I no-" Harry was trying to defend himself, or so he thinks. He knows it deep down, but doesn't want it to be true. So many see him as a role model. What a role model would he be if he were depressed. Nobody wants someone like that as a role model. "Harry, have you ever, uh, self-harmed-" Harry immediately denied the question Niall was trying to ask with a violent shake of his head. "No." His voice was strong and confident. A sound they heard for the first time all evening. The three felt relief, but that didn't solve the problem either.

"You, uhm, maybe you should talk to someone .. you .." Liam interrupted himself by clearing his throat, but then continued. "You should get help .. is that how you say it? I don't want to hurt you any more and such, but you know what I mean, don't you?" Harry stared at him, then nodded before looking out the window again. "But first you should sleep. You must be damn exhausted, yeah? Can you do this for us?" Louis asked and smiled at the curly boy. He nodded, looked around the bed, then looked at the boys. He went red in the face. "You- if you want ... can you sleep here? I don't want to be alone." Harry muttered, looking slightly embarrassed at his playing hands.

Of course, Harry doesn't want to be alone. That was one of the reasons it got this far, being alone. If he is alone again, the thoughts and voices come again. He doesn't want to go through this alone anymore and then fail over and over again. Alone he no longer has the strength to go on and try. The light that is at the end of the tunnel can then be seen further and further in the distance until he no longer saw it at all. When the darkness becomes too much, you have seen what will happen.

But if he doesn't go through this alone, the light becomes bigger and stronger. If the light is shown to him, it can only get better. He just has to hold on. If not for himself, then for his family. His friends and fans.

Harry can only thank the boys so many times. But he has learned his lesson and will always speak to someone when it gets too dark again. He'll struggle to get better. As long as they don't give up on him.


End file.
